Laced.

[WARNING! This is a random story I made up based off of a wacky dream I recently had. It's very strange and not that exciting so please, forgive my obnoxious mind. Thanks!]


It was a normal day, just like any other… I awoke to a somewhat cloudy, dark day. It had rained the night before… But something felt a little bit strange. I went for a walk to think about things and thought that perhaps taking a walk would rid me of the uneasy feeling that was somewhat overwhelming me that morning. I thought that I’d go to Zooey’s house and see if she wanted to do something later on, maybe get a coffee somewhere. I noticed that it was much darker than usual, but I kept walking nonetheless.

As I passed more and more streets, something hit me: everything was trashed! “There must have been a storm last night.” That was my only logical explanation. I saw that the sidewalk and streets had some serious cracks in them. Not just a crack where you’d probably trip and fall, but a crack where you should probably attempt to carefully walk around it; jump over it only if you were confident enough… Okay so maybe I should correct myself and call them very large, deep gaps in the cement. I was about a few blocks from Zooey’s house when I noticed that there were huge pieces of street missing altogether. It was like a deep, dark abyss of endless danger! So strange… I finally got to Zooey’s house and knocked on her door. There was no answer… Where could she be? I was very confused. I hoped she was okay, because things seemed very dangerously strange today, and I really wish I knew what was happening. I decided to walk downtown to see what else is messed up with this city.

When I got downtown, I started walking on top of the curb like I used to when I was a child, balancing, pretending that if I fell I’d fall into hot lava or shark infested water. Only this time, if I wasn’t careful, I could possibly fall into a giant endless hole of darkness, something I still couldn’t quite understand. As I was balancing on the curb, I saw someone doing the exact same thing, coming my direction. She wasn’t paying attention for she was looking at the curb to make sure she didn’t fall. “Zooey!?” I called out when she was about five feet away from me.

“Oh hey! Wow do you see this craziness? What the hell is going on here?! Did the apocalypse happen while I was asleep or something? If so, that’s completely unfair. If I missed the apocalypse because I was sleeping I’m going to be very unhappy with the world.”

“Well it definitely looks like the apocalypse happened… Do you see these holes?! Some serious shit went down last night, and I don’t understand how the hell we didn’t know about it… You know what, Zooey? Where is everyone? Where are all the people? Are we the only ones left or something? That would be really messed up if things worked out like that… I mean, I’d be really pissed if we were the only ones that had no idea what the hell was going on, and when the hell it all happened!”

“No, I saw a few people farther downtown. They’re all just walking around like normal.”

All of the sudden the ground began to shake. We grabbed each other’s arms in surprise and backed off of the ledge onto the cement. It looked as though the ground was dropping around us! Suddenly we realized that the ground wasn’t dropping, but we were being raised up, very quickly!

“Holy shit! We gotta get down! I hate heights! Come on before we’re too high up!!”

With that, we jumped. It was a little higher than expected, but luckily, we landed without breaking or spraining anything. We ran very frantically because we noticed that random areas of cement would rise up and start attacking the city! When we got to a distance where we could stop for a bit to catch our breath, we noticed that the cement rose in the form of a giant alligator-like creature. It wasn’t too detailed, due to the fact that it was indeed cement, but you could definitely tell based on the outline of the creature. The curb was its chomping mouth, etc…. It didn’t have teeth, but being that huge and crushing, I doubt teeth would be very necessary. We decided to run to the train tracks toward the woods. If these things were targeting the city, the woods would have to be safer. Zooey turned to me and said…

“I think that we should run back to my house to grab some supplies just in case, you know? We’re missing some important things!”

“Oh man, you’re right! That would be extremely dangerous to travel without those things… Are they still in the case?”

“Yeah they are, all fifty of them. I think we’ll be pretty set with fifty, the sky’s supposed to be troublesome tomorrow night, but that’s it for another three weeks or so. Come on, we gotta be fast, okay?”

“Yeah, sounds good. Let’s go then!”

We ran to Zooey’s house and scrambled up some stuff that we would need in a backpack. We threw the case in, some apples, a couple cans, two pocket knives, some rope, a blanket, and some medicine just in case…

“Do you think that’s enough? I think we should go. The ground isn’t feeling so stable. I might just be paranoid, but I think that it couldn’t hurt to be safe and leave right now. Okay? Please?”

“Yeah, you’re right. I feel it too. Let’s get out of here.”

We ran back toward the train tracks. When we got there, we had a dilemma. The train tracks, all five sets of them, were the only things that were above ground. All around them there were giant gaps of nothing; deep, dark crevices that looked as though they were thousands of feet deep. You couldn’t see the bottom if you tried. Out only hope of reaching the woods was to jump from set to set, hoping that we didn’t fall. We decided to go for it, because the chaos behind us looked as though it was getting worse. We both got to the fourth set in one piece and finally reached the fifth set. When we were about to jump to the woods, it looked like the woods were rising before our eyes. The ground was pushing everything up into the air, while we were standing on these floating tracks, staring up in awe as our “safe zone” began to disappear before our eyes. We noticed that along the side of the ground (since the ground was being pushed up like a canyon or something, there was in fact a “side of the ground”), there was a small sheet of chain-linked fence attached. We decided to make a jump for it and grab onto the fence. As we did that, we were taken up with the ground. We noticed a hole in the side of the ground and climbed inside of it to gain some balance and reach a certain degree of safety. Once inside the small, cave-like hole in the side of the ground, we noticed two chains fall down from the side of the ground, possibly from the above woods. They stopped moving about six feet from the hole we were sitting in.

“What the hell is going on!? Shit! This is just too much. I don’t think I can do this anymore… Not that I have a choice. Do you see how high up we are?! I’m pretty sure we’re flying. I mean, it doesn’t look like we’re getting any higher, but we’re definitely flying. Look down, dude! Everything is passing from beneath us!”

“Holy shit… This is insane. I don’t understand anything anymore. I mean, when the ground starts to fly, that’s when you know that it’s time to shoot yourself or something… I mean. That makes no sense, because I do not plan on shooting myself, but wow… What the hell… I am pretty much at a loss for words.”

We sat there for about a half an hour before doing anything. We were very high up, which was very unsettling. Trees and buildings were beneath us. We might as well make the best of this situation, whatever situation this might be. Zooey decided to use the blanket and rope we had bought to make a sort of hammock-like area right outside of the hole we were sitting in. I don’t know why, but she thought it would be a cool idea. She tied the ropes to the two chains that came down from the ground and attached them to the blanket. She told me to hold the ropes while she got on the blanket to even out where it should set, and me, being the quick thinker that I am, immediately agreed. Before I knew it, I was holding onto these ropes for my life, for I was not ready to hold Zooey while she is hanging on a blanket, miles above the ground. It was probably the scariest thing ever. She was swinging back and forth trying to balance out where the hammock would sit, and finally she gave me some direction.

“Okay, can you tie these ropes to those two bars in the hole?”

“Shit, Zooey! I’m not the Incredible Hulk! What do you think I am? Yeah I’m strong, but you’re forgetting that we’ve got the case and we’ve been using that stuff so we’re pretty much two average weaklings!”

“Oh! Wow, I’m sorry, I definitely wasn’t thinking. I mean, I know that you’re afraid of heights and all, which is why I went out here, but I completely forgot about the whole… Strength issue… Can you try? Here, actually just try to swing me back in and I’ll help. Okay just pull and I’ll swing with it so I can get back in faster. Okay?”

“Yeah, okay. That sounds a lot better.”

She was swinging back and forth for a while… Miles above the ground. I was fighting so hard not to drop the ropes, and therefore drop my friend. Pulling those ropes was a huge chore, but finally, she managed to jump into the hole. We tied up the ropes and decided to call it a night. Too much had happened and we were definitely exhausted. Before we went to bed, Zooey got the case out of her backpack and pulled out two syringes and a tiny vile of clear liquid.

“We better take this now just in case. Who knows what will happen in the middle of the night. We don’t want to risk anything. You know?”

“I agree. I don’t remember any war or storm or anything happening last night, so maybe it’s been longer than a night… It’s better to be safe than sorry.”

And with that, we went to bed…


The next morning we woke up to our giant plot of woods still flying in the air, high above the city and trees. Zooey suggested that I call for help to see if we could get this thing landed, but I honestly had no idea who I would call and how seriously they would take me. What would I say, “Hello? Yes, I need help landing flying woods… Can you do anything for me?” Honestly, that would seem to be one of the dumbest prank calls in the history of prank calls, despite its absolute truth. I decided to climb up on top of the woods to think about what I should do. As I began climbing out of the hole I became very puzzled. I mean, beforehand I was pretty confident that we were residing in the side of the ground, under what appeared to be the woods, flying over the city! I mean we climbed the damn fence to get to the hole… I vividly remember this! However, when I peeked up above the hole, I soon realized that we were flying in a helicopter. What the hell was going on with this world? The helicopter was a peculiar helicopter, too. The propeller wasn’t on top of the helicopter, but it was on the very back. A very strange build… I thought about telling Zooey, but I figured that I should think about this for a bit, and propped myself up on top of the helicopter. As I was thinking I heard Zooey yelling from inside the helicopter.

“Hey, something is weird about this hole we were sitting in… It seems… Well… Different? What do you see up there? What’s going on now?”

“Well, it seems to me that we’re in a helicopter… Don’t ask, I don’t even know anymore…”

“Why don’t you call someone? At least a helicopter would be more believable than flying woods!”

“Yes, Zooey, but the problem with that is that we don’t have a license to fly a helicopter, and now that we’ve figured out that this is a helicopter, maybe we can figure out how to land this thing ourselves… Maybe we can get somewhere for once… You know?”

“… But what about gas? Do you think this thing is running on fuel? What if it runs out?”

“In all honesty I don’t think I care that much anymore. First the woods were flying and now we’re in a magical helicopter that looks like a druggy designed it… Let’s just play this one by ear.”

“Wow… Well after you said it like that I think I’m just going to agree with you. This is just too weird to try to force any sense on it. I just hope nothing bad happens…”

Just then, a really creepy looking helicopter was coming our way. Its lights were flashing sporadically and we heard an amplified voice say, “Land this vehicle immediately! You are violating sky policy!” We were both terrified. What the hell are we supposed to do?! I jumped back in the helicopter and looked at Zooey, hoping that she had some kind of plan. She looked as confused and alarmed as I was. Suddenly, the entire helicopter shook with a bang! We began plummeting down to earth! Then, there was blackness…


When I awoke, I was laying on the grass in front of a strange building… I couldn’t see too well, everything was blurry… I did hear someone walking, though. It sounded like two people. Within a few seconds I hear Zooey’s voice behind me and feel someone shaking me. It was Zooey.

“Holy shit, you’re okay! Wake up! Wake up! Come on, get up!”

“…. Zooey?”

“Yeah, I woke up in this really messed up school… Everyone here seems brainwashed. I found out some interesting information, though. So you know all the destruction and chaos that has happened to our city? Well, apparently the president was murdered and there is now a mystery dictator ruling our country… No one knows who he is except for the people that work for him, his secret government if you have it. Thus, stopping him is almost impossible...”

“Whoa dude, I think I need to be more awake to take this all in…”

“Oh, should I stop?”

“… Fuck no! Keep spilling it! I’m going to implode with curiosity – hopefully not really, though… You never know nowadays… Or at least after what has happened lately.”

“Tell me about it! Anyways, so this mystery dictator has gained control of the entire country. He laced every main waterline with some sort of drug that has the ability to control people’s minds… Or at least influence people’s decisions. If the water wasn’t consumed in average amounts, directly, mild side affects are vivid hallucinations. Dude, this is making more sense! I don’t think we’ve directly drank any water in the past few days because we’ve been living on that endless supply of Jones Soda we bought in bulk a few weeks earlier! The hallucinations are probably from brushing our teeth, showering, washing dishes and fruits and such! This is why we were able to think through the chaos that has been happening, as distorted as it was, and get to a somewhat “safe zone”.

“Whoa… Okay, well this is the most logical thing I’ve heard, so I’m going to take your word for it… But I have a question, why are we not brainwashed now? We’re in this strange… School is it? Where are we exactly?”

“Well I overheard that we’re somewhere near the border of Canada. I think about 20 miles to the border… The facility we’re in is where they take the “escapees” and “train” them to be obedient…”

“So in other words they’re going to pretend this is some sort of boarding school and they’re going to brainwash us?”

“Basically… I guess that a lot of these “students” are already brainwashed. They’re very good guards, if you know what I mean. You notice that there are no fences. We’re just surrounded by woods. There are a couple houses guarding the woods that seem rundown and abandoned, but I’m pretty sure it’s a trick. We have to be extremely careful…”

“We have to get out of here… I think we should just make a run for it.”

“I don’t know if we should do that, but I really don’t have a plan… I mean, if we could somehow distract the other’s long enough to get to the woods, that would be brilliant. But then you have the worry of everyone else chasing after you!”

“Well then what should we do?”

“I don’t know…”

“Is Canada under any control?”

“Not from what I’ve heard. They are definitely aware of the situation, and they are not happy with it. They want to have nothing to do with the US and my guess is that they’re planning some sort of counter attack or defense mechanism just in case this mystery dictator is planning anything sneaky.”

“We have to get to Canada.”

“I agree.”

Just then, a boy came walking around the corner of the “school”. It was a very strange looking building. It consisted of giant gray stones and a pointy, dark gray, shingled roof. The property around the school was a field of short, dead grass. Everything was golden. I bet it would have been somewhat pretty in the sun, but there was no sun. It was very gloomy and dull outside. The woods seemed to be about one hundred yards away. There was a hill going up to the woods, and a house was built in the side of the hill. The woods surrounded the school, but it seemed to me that you could only get into the woods from one side: the back of the school past the house in the hill. Everywhere else seemed to have a thin fence surrounding it. So this place was fenced in! Zooey probably just overlooked it since it was pretty much invisible to the naked eye from this distance.

The boy that came walking around the corner of the school was very pale and had a very blank expression on his face. I thought that maybe I could talk to him.

“Excuse me… Um… Can I ask your name?”

“Why do you need to know? Why should I tell you my name?”

“I was just wondering… I was thinking of introducing myself to you because you looked like a nice guy. I was hoping you could help us out…”

“Thinking? What do you mean? Introducing yourself? Names? You’re talking nonsense. Names are not important here. There is no “self” here. There is no “thinking” here. We are nothing but tools to help control a greater society. We are the wheels in the watch, if you would. Nobody needs help here. I should report you right now…”

“Oh, I’m sorry. No, please don’t do that! That would be a very awful idea…”

“We’ll just have to see how awful it is then, shall we?”

Just then Zooey slowly waved her hand at the sky and created a blinking light. I have no idea how this happened, possibly from some sort of mirror, but the boy caught a glimpse of it and stared in confusion for a while. As he was distracted I screamed, “RUN, BOY, RUN! THEY’RE GETTING AWAY!!!” and he took off in the opposite direction, very frantically and confused… As he did this, this attracted some attention and others began to follow the boy. While everyone was distracted, Zooey and I made a break for the woods. We seemed to catch a bit of attention, for we noticed a few people began chasing after us a ways back. We reached the house in the hill and there was a small family sitting on the side of the hill with a bunch of books. They looked at us very calmly and asked what we were doing…

“Nothing! We are just passing by. We’re on a… A mission!”

“I think you are disobeying instruction, my dear… I can sense it from you.”

“That book over there, ma’am, does it really change color with the change of pH?”

“Zooey, what the hell?”

“Why yes, yes it does. You can have it if you’d like.”

The crowd was getting closer. They all had flashlights and were calling out for us. Zooey was admiring the book and looked at me to get out of here. Just as I began to go over to her the woman yelled, “I wouldn’t RUN if I were you!” That gave us away, the crowd knew the exact spot we were located. Before they just knew the general direction, but her yell was a total give away… That bitch!

We ran through this strange door in the house which was very short, and filled with hollow plastic items, from teakettles to books. All of these random plastic items packed in this doorway. We almost had to tunnel through them to get in the house. It was much easier for the people behind us to get in once we moved them out of the way, and now it seemed as though we were trapped in this house – this mansion, with an angry, brainwashed crowd chasing after us. We split up for a minute and were trying very hard to hide and run from these people. I tried hiding in a fireplace, but I accidentally knocked a piece of wood over, which attracted some attention. I ran into doors and had to break them down. I broke though windows. It just seemed as though it was room after room, strange staircase after strange staircase. I finally made it to what seemed to be the basement. There was a continuous sunroof going through all of the floors, where the moonlight could shine in. I met Zooey in the basement where this big guy had her cornered. I came in and he became very angry. I noticed a gun on the table. I raced him to the table and grabbed the gun. I aimed it at him and pulled the trigger. Nothing! It was empty! He charged at me and tried to grab me, but I was too fast. I tried to kick him but I wasn’t strong enough! Zooey tried to fight him with me but it was to no avail… Suddenly I realized something.

“Zooey! Do you still have the case on you?”

“Why the hell would I?! …… Ohhh! I see where you’re going with this! But don’t you think this will cause a lot more attention? Don’t you think we’ll be in more trouble if we do that?”

“What more trouble can we get into?! I think it’s our only hope! We can beat a lot of people like that, and we’ll be able to reach Canada much faster. We’ll just have to be very conscious about the path we take and how we’re going to make our entrance once we do reach the border! Alright! We can do this! We’re not giving up now, we’re so close!”

“Okay… I see the moonlight shining through the ceiling! And floors… And… Other ceilings! Is it strong enough!?”

Just then, someone crashed through a few floors and landed on the table. People started coming down the stairs and through the ceiling, trying to circle us.

“NOW it’s strong enough! Let’s do this!”

We ran in the middle of the room. We were surrounded but we were also in direct moonlight. Everything became a red blur. It seemed as though I blacked out for a bit, or blinked slightly longer than usual, but when I opened my eyes everything appeared to be in infrared. Suddenly my skin felt as though it was on fire! I had to scratch and rub it really fast or else I would burn to nothing! If spontaneous combustion were possible, that was probably what it felt like… I felt like I had to put the flames out! I threw myself on the grounds and looked at Zooey. Her skin was coming off everywhere, and it looked as though fur was poking out from beneath it. Then she started ripping it off in chunks and I realized that there really was fur underneath her skin! I also soon realized that I was doing the exact same thing. It’s been a long time since this has happened, and I had previously blocked it out of my memory. The process took only a few seconds, but it felt like very long minutes. The crowd was very confused, but still angry nonetheless. Finally, we stood up, much taller than before. We snarled at the crowd and charged into them. I targeted the big man near the front of the crowd. I don’t remember much, but I remember jumping on him and hitting him. The next thing I know he was on the ground with no face! Blood was everywhere. I looked at Zooey and she was just massacring everyone. Limbs were flying in every which way, blood splattering around the entire room. I ran toward the stairs, plowing through the crowd, and Zooey followed. We broke through walls and eventually reached our limit. With our last plunge we found ourselves covered in blood and swinging from tree to tree. We made it. When we dropped to the ground we were running through the woods like two wolves in the wild. I mean, I guess in a way, we were two wolves in the wild, despite the fact that we could still stand on two legs and we were much larger and stronger than wolves. We looked pretty monstrous… It wasn’t a very pleasant sight; it was something you’d see in a horror movie for sure.

We were running on all fours very fast until we felt ourselves slowing down. There were very big clouds coming in and they seemed to be blocking the moon. We began changing back to our small, weak selves. The bright side of this, though, was that we were in the woods, we had run quite a distance, and we could now communicate with one another.

“Zooey, we made it! But dude, we’re fucked! We’re covered in blood and barely wearing any clothes. Wait… Aww shit! We’re not wearing any clothes! What the hell are we supposed to do?! We’re going to reach Canada and then get arrested for streaking across the border! This is stupid!”

“Dude, calm down. We’ll think of something. But for now, let’s cut through this way. We made a mess and they’re going to predict we’ll take the short way to Canada. They’re probably sending people to stop us before we reach the border, so let’s take this detour off to the side. The woods are much thicker there and we’ll have a good chance of getting cleaned up. There’s a river that way, I could smell it when I was running a few minutes ago… Before we changed back. If these clouds move, we can snag a few people if we’re lucky. I’m sure we’ll be able to smell people lurking in the woods when we’re back to our oversized, painfully disgusting selves. You know? Just don’t “hit” them… Or bite them. We don’t want to run into Canada with bloody, ripped, oversized clothes on. Probably not the best first impression.”

“Okay, that sounds like a plan. I’m sure we can get the clothes if we just “carry” them along with us for a bit. They probably won’t make it but at least it won’t be messy. Very good.”

We began walking in the direction we need. We walked for about ten minutes or so when we reached an opening in the woods. Just then, the moonlight shone though the trees and hit us. The process began again. It was more painful than the first time. The next thing I know we’re running through the woods again, more determined than ever. Zooey catches the sent of something and darts to the side. She always was better at smelling things than I was! A few minutes later she comes back with two people dangling from each hand… Or… Paw? Paw-hand hybrid? Whatever it’s called, she had two people by the necks and easily caught up to me. After a few more moments of running we reached a river. Zooey set down the people she caught and we jumped in to wash up. It was very cold, but after all of that running it was definitely somewhat refreshing! Clouds seemed to fill the sky again, for we began feeling colder and colder… We eventually realized that we had changed back, and quickly got out of the river. We were freezing! We looked at the two people we had caught. They were two young men. One looked about thirty, the other looked about eighteen. Both were very small, which was good in the sense that their clothes won’t be as baggy as they could be if we had caught some morbidly obese hunter or something. I just hoped they didn’t have too much family, or at least that they didn’t have any children.

“Hey Zooey, should we put these on now?”

“I mean yeah, it’s freezing out here!”

“I think we should wait a bit. Let’s just wait until sunrise, we don’t know what the sky’s going to do and we don’t want to risk ripping these clothes off. Then you would have killed them for nothing, and I would feel extra bad about that.”

“Yeah, good thinking. I don’t want to feel any guiltier than I already do. I mean, I feel bad about killing that angry crowd miles back! They didn’t know what they were doing, they were brainwashed! Those were innocent people!”

“But we did need to get out of there, and that was our only option…”

“Very true. Well then let’s carry these for now and when the sun rises, we’ll get dressed and continue our quest to Canada. I really hope we don’t change again because I’m starting to get really exhausted. I don’t think I can handle that feeling a third time… It really hurts!”

“I know. I don’t think I can take that again either. But let’s not think about that because unfortunately, we are without our case. Thus, we need to tough it out for one night until we reach a town. Then we will be able to cook up some more “anti-conversion” to prevent further trouble. Mmkay?”

“Alright.”

We walked for hours until we could finally see the sky start to lighten. Just as that happened we could see an opening in the woods. It was Canada. We waited about an hour until the sun was high and bright, and put on our clothes. We looked at each other, smiled, and linked arms. We had reached Canada and we were safe. We made it.


Now I live in a small apartment in Halfax, Canada. I can see the ocean from my window and everything is very sane and beautiful. The dictatorship is still occurring in the US, but Canada is in fact allying with Europe and Asia to put an end to this corruption. Eventually, Zooey and I went our separate ways. Zooey moved to Greenland; she really likes the cold weather for some reason. I met a guy in Canada and we’re engaged. We’re moving to Wales and getting married there. We bought a house that came with a sunflower field… I can’t wait to go there. It’s unbelievable and I can’t wait for Zooey to come and visit! I really hope this dictatorship ordeal gets settled. I can just hope that the other countries know how to handle it. For Zooey and I, though, I’m glad it’s now just a memory…

Cherry Coke

Dear Cherry Coke,

I'm writing this letter because you have disappointed me immensely. I haven't associated with you for over a year. A few days ago I saw you staring back at me from the third shelf of Dominick's (local grocery). I felt very excited to see you and thought that maybe you've changed. I mean, it's been over a year. Change happens! Right? I trusted you and took you back home with me. I spent quality time with you. Remember how fun it was watching Slip Stream together? Remember how we were happy? I thought we could start over and make things right.

After my second can, you apparently had second thoughts about our relationship. You decided that you were going to hurt me. I'm not sure how it actually happened, but I'm pretty sure you were thinking, "Oh Kaleah, Dear? I fooled you again! HA! How do you like this, bitch! I will END you!" *violent jolts of caffeine through body causing it to ache*



Cherry Coke, you made me feel like I was just hit by a motorcycle. You kept me up all night shaking. You poisoned me, and I will never forgive you for that. I now understand you're motivation. You're a tease. You're a trick. You're poison. I will never trust you ever again, Cherry Coke. EVER.

I bought a twelve pack of you. The first three or so I drank out of love. Well you know what, Cherry Coke? Now I'm finishing you off out of vengeance! Go screw yourself, asshole!

Sincerely,
Kaleah

The World: Trashy?

Every day I go outside. Whether it be because I need to take a walk, run errands, or that I'm merely hanging out with friends, I go outside. When I go outside, I'm in public. When I'm in public, I see things. Things that have begun bothering me. I see people. Now before I go any further, you are probably wondering, "there are people everywhere, why are you so bothered by people? Are you some conceited bastard that thinks they're better than everyone else?" Well, I do not think I am better than everyone else, no. But there is something I would like to point out that has recently come to my attention and has started to frustrate me.

There is a general question I would like to introduce to you before I start this rant, and my question is:
"Why do people dress so trashy?"

I'm not talking about particular people. I'm talking about in general. The general public, if you would have it. I feel as though the general public of the twenty-first century has a bad fashion standard. Not horrible, if it fits well and is put together well, it can be pretty decent. However, compared to the past, it has gone very downhill. So let me rephrase that: I feel as though the general public since the 1960s has taken fashion downhill.

This is what you see when you go out in public:



You go outside and all you see are men and women in jeans and t-shirts, shorts, tank-tops, leggings, short skirts, crazy sunglasses... We have all of these random clashing "stereotypical" styles such as hipsters, goths, preps, ravers, etc. Nothing is very appealing. Let me ask you this, what ever happened to "classy"? What ever happened to "elegant"? In the 1920s fashion seemed very important. Women would wear classy dresses that fit the seasons, men would wear classy suits and shirts. It was fantastic! As time progressed fashion seemed to still be pretty impressive. Flappers were cool. The entire vintage look was cool.



This was very nice! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~



But then the 60s came... People started getting lazy. The only people I give credit to were the hippies, because they legitimately didn't give a fuck about their fashion, they just wanted to be close with nature, have sex, do drugs, and live in a peaceful world. They were pissed off that living in a peaceful world is pretty impossible when you're government takes advantage of everyone else because they're a bunch of greedy assholes, which is why they made a fuss about it. Well, if I finally realized that for the first time and there were a bunch of people willing to bring it to the attention of the public, I'd join them make a fuss about it too! Anyways...



Then the 70s came. I don't quite know what happened there, but it didn't look to snazzy. Remember, I'm speaking about the general public, not those select few that did in fact do something interesting. Particular musicians and such do not count in this rant.



Finally the 80s came, and I think people just gave up on being classy altogether. Even the makeup seemed disastrous.



When the 90s came it was over. No one gave a shit and everyone turned into bums. Even when they tried to be classy, they failed big time. It's as though they had long lost the ability to design a decent suit or dress. They thoght they knew how to make a nice women's suit, but instead they shat out some extra puffy shoulder pads and taper and plead every pair of pants in existence. Now, in 2010, we just have better fitted clothing. Mostly, we all still look like bums, but bums that wear clothes that actually fit them in a semi appealing way. There are people who do take the initiative to dress classy, wearing nice shirts, nice pants, and nice dresses. A nice suit will occasionally show up on the streets, and a glimmer of hope is given off from those people who can and do wear classy clothes in public, all of the time. The majority of us, however, are not at all classy. We do not seem to want to wear dresses and suits in public every day, we'd rather wear jeans and a t-shirt. Sad? Yes. To me this is sad. I feel like we have grown very lazy. Do I care too much? No. I have better things to do than try to advocate the regeneration of societies classiness. We have the fucking environment to save and the world to take care of! There are developing countries that need our help! Hell, there are people in our country that need are help! Furthermore, our society is too damn expensive for us to all go back to our classy roots. Money is much different now than it was then. So with that, I finish my rant.

I'm Writing A Story!

So currently I've been very busy. I'm in an intense 3 week psychology class that's 4 hours long, 4 days a week (in the early morn). Although it's only 4 hours a day, due to the fact that I'm sitting on my butt 95% of the time, it feels like 10 hours. It's very difficult to maintain composure while sitting in class, for my stomach has gotten into the habit of whining at me very loudly because it's not getting what it wants, when it wants it (it being food). It's as if my stomach is a small child whining about wanting me to buy it a toy in the store, but I forgot my purse, and therefore cannot buy that toy at the moment. When I get home, however, I will be able to get my purse and thus, the child will get their toy. But the child doesn't comprehend the fact that waiting will eventually satisfy its undying need for that toy, and continues to pester me and everyone else around it with its whining.

Yes, I did just compare my stomach's growling to a child's whining.

On top of that, as if that isn't annoyingly distracting enough, my butt decides that it's going to fall asleep within two and a half hours of class time. I am sitting, trying to calm my annoying stomach, and then my butt says, "Hey! Guess what!? Fuck you, I'm going to turn into jell-o now and you can't do a thing about it... Bitch." Well do you know what, Butt? See if I do anything nice for you anymore! See if I go out of my way to get you a cushioned seat once I get my bicycle! See if I... See if I... Yeah I don't really know where this is going... But it feels awkward.

Segueing into the next thing I want to announce: I'm in the process of writing a book. It's a "children's" book. Now I put children's in quotations because it's not quite appropriate for children, for it's slightly violent. However, there will be illustrations and I will try my best to complete it and make it as interesting as possible. It will be short, but it will be sweet. I'm not going to give away too much information on it, but I'm just going to say this:

"Oh yes, there will be zombies."

Flavors Above

Do you ever wonder what seemingly unreachable objects might taste like? For instance, have you ever looked at a cloud and thought, "I wonder if it has a flavor... If it did, maybe it'd taste like sugar or milk... Maybe?" I know I have. Sometimes when I look at the sky I wonder what the moon would taste like, or even the sun. Of course I know that the moon would probably taste like rocks and dust, and the sun would incinerate your body before you were even close enough to sample its flavor, which would most likely be fire... If fire can indeed be a flavor. However, in my mind, the sun and moon are allowed to have their own delicious flavors, and we would be able to taste them accordingly.

The other night, I was beyond tired, and when I am beyond tired my brain decides that it wants to wander in strange and unusual places. Hence the topic of this blog. I was talking to a friend around 2:30am, which was really 3:30am in my true home, Michigan. We were both not in our right minds, for again, I was beyond tired which in turn makes me very loopy, and my friend was drunk and tired. Considering the circumstances, I felt that we were in an equal state of being, and therefore felt it completely appropriate to bring up this concerning topic. What would the moon and sun taste like, if they were to have a flavor? My friend came to the conclusion that the sun would taste like lemonade. This is a very acceptable conclusion, for the sun does make you think of summer, and what better drink to represent summer than lemonade? I completely agree with this statement. For the moon, he said that it would most likely have a minty flavor. Again, this makes complete sense to me, for at night it's usually crisp and cool, and what better way to describe "crisp and cool" than "mint"? I think it's perfect. If the sun and moon were to have their own flavors, the sun would taste like lemonade and the moon would taste like mint.

However, after these satisfying answers were presented to me, I started to think... If the moon is minty, exactly what kind of mint would it taste like? Would the moon be spearmint or would it be winterfresh? Maybe the moon would taste like peppermint... What if the range of mint would change throughout the seasons, so in the winter it'd be ice blue mint, and in the spring it'd be spearmint? This is very unsettling, for I would really like some closure on this topic. Furthermore, the sun would in fact taste like lemonade if it were to have a flavor, but would it be regular lemonade or would it be strawberry lemonade? Perhaps it is neither, and would be raspberry lemonade? Maybe it's even half and half, iced tea and lemonade! But then would the iced tea half be sweetened or unsweetened? This is definitely something to consider. All of these things are very important, considering the fact that we are giving the sun and the moon more distinct identities. We can't just leave them with vague identities, for then there is no closure as to what they actually are!


Though the sun and the moon are not fully developed in their flavor-identities, I have decided that the stars would have a fruity-minty flavor. You know the interesting fruity-minty gum you can buy in the check-out isle at usually any grocery store? Berry-mint or tropical-mint and such? That is what the stars would taste like. It doesn't matter if the stars are not distinct in their minty-fruity flavors, for there are so many stars, that in can vary from star to star.

If the sky were to have a flavor, it would definitely depend on how cloudy or clear it appears. If the sky were complete gloomy and white, it would probably taste like milk or plain mochi. However, if it were to be clear blue, it would definitely taste like blueberry lemonade. The cloudier it is, the more it would taste like a smoothie, and eventually a blueberry milkshake. Do you see where I'm coming from? I feel like I can accept the flavors of the stars and the sky, but I still have two big problems. The sun and the moon need closure. This is where you guys come in. If the sun tastes like lemonade, and the moon is minty, can you expand on this and give them a proper identity? I would deeply appreciate the help.

We can do this! It's up to us to fight this identity crisis! I believe in you guys!

Vigilante Superninja!

The other day I was out taking care of some business with my mom. I needed to finalize some registration forms for my summer classes, turn in a job application to a sketchy movie rental store, and do some grocery shopping. Now I did these things with my mother because I cannot drive. How old am I, you ask? Why I am over nineteen years old. Why can't I drive? Because Driver's Ed. is incredibly expensive in Chicago, and when you live in the city, it's more beneficial to use public transportation ("the L") than to be a part of the chaos that is driving. If you are thinking that this rationalization I just made is an excuse for my failing at life, then you are most likely correct, my friend. :)

Anyways! So as mom and I were driving around, we heard a strange crashing noise quickly followed by bouncing. We looked up just in time to realize that the car in front of us took off the entire side mirror, wires and all, of the car parked on the side of the road, and sped on. Now what happened next, I'm going to tell you in two different ways:

1) The way it really happened.

2) The way it should have happened.

As we were driving, we were in a strange state of shock and confusion. "Did that person honestly do that without stopping? Did we really witness that?" I turned to my mom and said, "Let's chase them down, I want their license plate number!" She looked at me, half intrigued and half doubting, but I think I won her over when I said, "We can be superheroes. Justice will be served!" because as soon as I said that she sped up. We were in a chase. People were honking at us, and when we looked at them, they looked as though they were honking in encouragement, so we hastily continued. We could tell that the lady (a.k.a. the criminal!) was getting nervous. She kept anxiously looking back, but we persevered! Finally, we got close enough so that I could read her license plate number. I really shouldn't be giving out random license plate numbers on the internet, but I'm going to give it to you anyways, because she was a criminal and that's what happens when you mess with the Law! Your license plate number is exploited online!

I wrote a note in black sharpie saying, "If you want justice for your mirror, the lady's license plate # is 'KUTSUN 1'" and we drove back to leave it on the victim's windshield under their wipers. When we arrived at our destination, the car was missing! I went to the house it was parked in front of, and it didn't belong to the owner of the house. I left the note with the lady that answered the door and she said that if she saw the car again, she would give him the note for me. Apparently, the man was sitting in the car when it happened!!! He followed behind us and was chasing the criminal down as well!

Now this is how it should have happened...

... We began to chase her down. We were swerving in between the lanes, epically gaining on her criminal ass. A semi-truck came out of nowhere and cut us off. I was set on serving up a big plate of Justice, and me being the ninja I am, climbed out of the window and onto the roof. We were going about 90 mph. I tumbled down and balanced on the windshield. When we got close enough to the semi-truck, I jumped from the hood of our car to the ladder hanging on the rear end of the semi-truck. I climbed that ladder and swiftly ran to the front of the truck, waiting for just the right moment. The lady was swerving from side to side in an attempt to lose us, but it was to no avail. At the right moment I leapt from the truck to the criminal's vehicle. I clung to the roof. She tried as hard as she could to break me from her get-away car, but I held on. I was determined. I kicked in the passenger window, and swung myself into the car. She was very scared and angry, for she knew that she had already lost the battle. I grabbed her shoulder and hit a pressure point, causing her to fall limp in her seat. The car swerved, but I quickly gained control of the vehicle and drove it to safety. I called the police and waited patiently. When they arrived, they found nothing but a note explaining in detail all that had happened. They took her into custody and Justice was served. When police tried to find the person who stopped the vehicle, there were no witnesses.

Why did nobody see me leaping from car to car? Why did nobody see me flee the scene once it was under control? I'll tell you why.


Because I'm a vigilante superninja.

THE END.

Break Me Out!

I said I was going to follow a schedule of "Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday", but seeing that I already accidentally broke the schedule by uploading on a Wednesday, I said to myself, "hey, fuck it! I'll post a blog whenever I damn well please!" So here I am, posting on a Saturday. This is more of a venting blog, so if you're not into hearing the downside of everything in the strangest and vaguest details, then I would suggest googling "medieval torture methods" or something entertaining along those lines. If you are interested, however, then you're in the right place. So, "Be still!"

I am home for the summer and I completely regret this forced decision. Though I had no control over the fact that I'm to be in a different state, ripped from my friends and all that is good, I am regretful. Does that make sense? It's the strangest and worst feeling I've experienced. Let me put this into some sort of perspective:

You're on a train and you know that in approximately two hours, that the train is going to drive off of a cliff into a one-hundred-thousand foot hole. The fact that you're going to be trapped in that hole is inevitable, but you cannot accept that. You will not. So you have that aching feeling of what's going to happen in the near future welling up in your throat until, finally, you are ripped from your comfort zone and tossed into oblivion. You reach the bottom and feel claustrophobic because everything is familiar, yet unfamiliar, and no one is there to listen to or comfort you. No one is telling you that everything will be alright. No one is even there to distract you from the fact that you just fell one-hundred-thousand feet into complete isolation. You are basically in jail. You try to come up with ways to escape, but it's just too high up, and the walls are much too smooth to climb. You constantly think of what you could have done to avoid this hell. "Maybe I could have jumped off of the train?" but you quickly realize that that would be suicidal, for the tracks were running through a sea of lava and acid. You think, "what if I flew?" but realized that only insects, bats, and birds can fly, and scold yourself for coming up with such foolish ideas. What a stupid, stupid person you are!

As you sit in your oversized jail cell, you can't help but think of all the things you've been pried from. You can't help but feel that things have been forcefully messed up. Although you rationalize that you'll only be in this cell for fifteen weeks, you still feel that your life before those fifteen weeks began is slowly being hit by a semi-truck going about 128 mph. *When I say "slowly" I mean that the horrid event is happening at about a "frame-by-frame" rate. You can feel it happening in such a way, and if you could see it happening, that is what it would look like. It seems like you can do something to interfere, because it is happening so slowly, but the end result is just as damaging as if it were happening at a normal rate. Whilst thinking about this awful near future, it begins to rain. You notice that it's always gloomy in jail.


As you're thinking about the fact that your former life is now about to have a one-on-one collision with a rampant semi-truck, you feel helpless. You have no control. Again, the walls are much too high and much too smooth for you to climb out! Occasionally, your friends will peek over the edge of the cliff from which you fell, and smile down at you. This gives you hope. But usually, the friends you truly miss will peek over the edge, and stare into the distance. You realize that you are too far down for them to see you. When you call their name, they'll briefly respond, but quickly move on. You constantly stare up, helplessly, hoping that they will once call your name, but they never do. You then look at your arm and realize that you're invisible. "Oh dear!" you say, "how will they ever notice that I'm down here if I can barely see myself?! What an awful place this is!" Though you know you are invisible - or rather, transparent (you are not completely gone, you are just very difficult to see), you continue to stare up to the top, occasionally seeing your friends sitting at the ledge, seeming to be completely ignorant of your existence. You have no idea what to do. You have almost nothing to distract you and cause time to go by faster, so you sit and cry. You feel like you are being strangled by an invisible python. You want to pull it off and somehow fly out of this jail, but it's no use, your hands have turned into melting candles and if you put them near your neck to free yourself from the python you have two problems:

1) your hands are slippery because they consist of melting wax, and your fingers have melted, causing your hands to be gripless blobs.

2) if you put your newly transformed hands anywhere near your face, the flames will burn your eyes.

It's a lose-lose situation. What can you do? You constantly think about how things used to be before you fell into this jail cell, which only makes you more depressed. You're sick of crying about how things have been crumbling within the last week and a half, but cannot stop yourself. You have fifteen weeks. You have no advice. You sit and continue to sulk. Suddenly! You see a strange, flashing light in the distance. It appears to be a robot (you guys reading are the robot). You're intrigued. You go up to the robot and it has a sign attached to it. "FOR POSSIBLE ADVICE, PRESS THE FLASHING BUTTON." You press the flashing button and wait.... Wait.... Wait.... As you wait, you will go through a constant cycle of crying, spacing out, talking sense into yourself, crying, spacing out, talking sense into yourself, etc.

What happens with the robot?