Squirrels in Chicago are not squirrels: they are scrats.
I have come to the conclusion that our "squirrels" are squirrel-rat hybrids. They are very underweight, grayish-brown, have rat-like tails (that aren't bushy and squirrel-like), and usually have mange. These squirrels sometimes have bleach stains on their fur, and you will usually see them running around peoples yards with tortillas or chicken wings in their mouths. In the summer it's especially frightening, for the squirrels tend to publicly rape each other (as opposed to privately raping each other?). Now don't get me wrong, I know that nature isn't always the prettiest thing when animals need to reproduce, but seeing a squirrel being ripped off of a tree, violently falling to the ground, screaming, clawing, and attempting to get away while the other squirrel is having at her is slightly disturbing. No?
These squirrels are the usual urban fauna. However, what's unusual are the squirrels in my backyard. My dad calls them "The Rogue Squirrels". These squirrels move in a pack of about five to seven. They are very thin, and they are very feral. My dad walked outside in the backyard one day with a nice cup of coffee to enjoy the fresh, summer air, when he noticed about 6 squirrels romping around in the grass around him. He also noticed that they were inching toward him, staring into his soul! He thought, "what the...??" and before he could assess the oddity of the situation, The Rogue Squirrels began screeching in an attempt to deter him from their leisure time of raiding our fence and garden. Have you ever seen on tv or in a movie, how when someone walks into a dark, roach infested room and turns on a light, the roaches scatter in every which way? The disorientation and franticness? Well that is how these squirrels move on a daily basis. But only these squirrels!
The Rogue Squirrels.
Upon observing their behavior, I discovered the origin of this dangerous pack. The house next door has been abandoned and is thus owned by the bank, and the garage in the house's backyard is in awful condition. The holes in the sides of the garage just under the roof are (I'm assuming) the breeding place for The Rogue Squirrels, for you frequently see them scurrying in and out of these giant holes as if that garage were their home. I don't even want to know what else lives in that garage!
Here is one of The Rogue Squirrels sitting on the garage. Ohh what a feral beast he is! You can tell he's definitely up to shenanigans. He knows that when you're not looking, a child will go missing. Who would suspect an anorexic, meth-squirrel to be a kidnapping fiend? Exactly my point. This pack is damn witty. Which is why they stay together in their pack of wittiness. Just look at all of them, staring down at you from their high tree! Smug bastards.
^ Four of The Rogue Squirrels being smug bastards. The others were in The Holy Garage of Soot and Poo. Definitely.
Now I'm going to segue into something not so rogue, but definitely dangerous(ly delicious!). Today was Cinco de Mayo. I have two delightful recipes to share with you.
1) If you want to make a really fresh, clean salsa with a bite to it, try making mango salsa! What you will need are two to three mangos, two cucumbers, a few tomatoes, and a few jalapeño peppers. Dice those all up, squeeze fresh lime over it and add some diced cilantro and you're good to go!
2) Another great recipe is vegetarian sopes! What you will need to do is fry up the sopes, and the toppings you should add are seasoned black beans, chopped lettuce, diced onion, salsa verde, fresh, crumbled white queso (it's a mexican white cheese that comes in a packaged disk. You crumble it yourself. It's fantastic!) and top it off with cilantro and freshly squeezed lime. I strongly recommend these recipes! :)
1 comment:
Squirrels...
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